This week, Rishi and I took the kids on a last-minute getaway to Penn Yan and the Keuka/Seneca Lake area. With a few of our kids heading off to schools out of town next week, family bonding time is especially precious. Kudos to my wife Rishi for making sure our family has these experiences and memories.
Fittingly, this week’s Torah portion, Ki Teitzei, contains several mitzvahs relating to marriage. One particularly beautiful mitzvah says that during the first year of marriage, a newly married man is exempted from military and certain communal obligations so that he can “bring joy to the wife whom he married” (Deuteronomy 24:5). The Torah is telling us something profound: marriage requires time, attention and investment.
But before building a marriage comes another fascinating question: How do two people find each other in the first place?
The idea of a “soulmate” fascinates many people. In Jewish tradition, it is often connected with basherte—the idea that two people are destined from Above to marry.
If someone is truly my soulmate, can anyone prevent us from getting married?
And if yes, what does it mean to say the match was “meant to be”?
The Jewish answer is surprising:
Yes and yes.
There is an element of Heavenly decree in marriage, but human choice is also involved.
The Talmud teaches that forty days before an embryo is formed, a Heavenly voice announces who that person will marry.
Yet the Talmud also teaches that a person’s match is connected to his or her deeds. The Talmud resolves the apparent contradiction by distinguishing between a first match and a subsequent match.
But how do we live with both ideas?
When a person seeks a life partner, Divine Providence can lead that person to the right one.
But we still have to make the decision.
We cannot know everything about another person or what the future holds.
We use our judgment. We look at character, values, kindness and compatibility. We make the best decision we can, pray for guidance, and surrender the outcome to G-d Almighty.
Jewish mystical tradition speaks of husband and wife as two halves of one soul.
But marriage is not simply about finding your “other half.” It is about what those two halves create together.
Hopefully, a family and children! But also everything else they build: a home, a business, a community and a life of meaning.
Sometimes people who are dating worry that a prospective partner is too strong for them.
A wise Rabbi once said: If you see yourselves as competitors, you have a problem.
If you see yourselves as a creative team, you may eventually thank Hashem that your team has that extra strength.
Your partner’s strength does not have to compete with yours. It can complement yours.
Veteran Chabad Rabbi Shmuel Lew of London once shared a beautiful lesson from a Yechidus, a private audience with the Rebbe, in 1974.
Rabbi Lew mentioned a communal figure who disagreed with Chabad over a particular matter.
The Rebbe responded: There are 613 mitzvos in the Torah. If he disagrees with us on one, let’s work with him on the other 612.
What a wonderful prescription for marriage.
When we focus on the one thing we disagree about, it can become larger than everything we share.
This does not mean ignoring serious differences. It means remembering that a relationship is bigger than any single disagreement.
Build on what you share.
Perhaps that is part of the meaning of basherte.
The meeting may be guided from Above. The opportunity may be placed before us by Divine Providence. But choosing one another—and continuing to choose one another—is our responsibility.
Heaven may bring two people together. What they create together is up to them.
Shabbat Shalom! Good Shabbos! Kesivah vaChassimah Tovah!
Rabbi Yitzi Hein